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You are here: Home / Family / Making Hard Parenting Choices (i.e. Preparing for Another Big Change)

Making Hard Parenting Choices (i.e. Preparing for Another Big Change)

November 27, 2017 By Jodi

Boys dressed as superheroes, kindaAlthough we're finally settling into a new rhythm and set of routines, we're preparing for some significant changes come January. Because we haven't had enough life-shattering change in the last few months...

We really like the school the boys go to: it's a Montessori school, and I've always been interested in and admired the Montessori method. If you aren't familiar with it, the Montessori method encourages independence and views the child as "naturally eager for knowledge and capable of initiating learning in a supportive, thoughtfully prepared learning environment. It is an approach that values the human spirit and the development of the whole child—physical, social, emotional, cognitive." (From Wikipedia.) August thrives in this new environment, and Leif is doing fine.

But.

It's one of the most expensive options in town, by far, and when we came close to buying a house a few weeks ago and ran the numbers, we realized it was a luxury we couldn't afford if we want to become homeowners here. I've agonized over the decision and gone back and forth and tried all sorts of ways to make it work, but in the end we decided to take the children out of their Montessori school and put them in a daycare center on campus—three days per week. I'll have all three kids home with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

By making this switch to a cheaper care provider for fewer days, we'll be saving nearly $1000 per month. (No joke, right?) In a financial sense, the decision just feels inevitable. Especially with a third child at home who will enter care at some point, I don't feel like we can afford to make any other decision.

Boys in bike buggy

But.

I *love* Montessori for early childhood education (I'm less convinced in older years). Being in such a clear, thoughtful, well-prepared environment has been great for the boys, and we've noticed that they've become more responsible at home, they're learning to communicate clearly and say big words (ridiculously wonderful when their little mouths shape out words like "curvilinear triangle"), and we like being a part of this particular community. In some ways it just feels cruel to take them out of this school when they've already had so much change in the last year. I love their classroom, their guide/teacher is great with them and very perceptive, and they're making friends.

But.

That price tag.

And while I think Leif is doing fine there, I believe he'd be better in a different environment, one with more joy and spontaneity and more likelihood for a close emotional bond with a caretaker. The place we have lined up for them is beautiful, with tons of natural light and wood toys, a lovely outdoor area, and significantly better hours. (I end up having to either wake Zoë up from her afternoon nap or just skip it altogether in order to pick up the boys at 3pm, and at the new place they can stay until 5:30, though I don't want them to be there that long).

And, I'm really looking forward to spending more time with them during the week (though let's see how I feel about this by March). Recently Leif had to stay home from school because he'd been sick the previous day, and he and Zoë and I had such a lovely time being quiet together at home, playing at the playground, and going to the library. At the playground we talked about leaves and shapes and rain, and at the library we snuggled in a chair and Leif chose about twenty books to take home. Something in me really sparked at the opportunity to spend more time with the boys now that they're getting older and I can engage them more. I anticipate heading outside to investigate nature and going on field trips every week, and they're old enough now to keep themselves occupied at home without my constant attention. That day with Leif, I had this sense of missing their best days and their best years, and I got really excited about having a couple full days with them every week.

In that vein, a neighbor made a great observation recently. Returning home from work exhausted, she wondered why we give strangers and colleagues our best selves during the workday, when we are fresh and energetic, and give the people we love most our tired, grumpy selves at the end of the day. It just doesn't seem fair! With our new situation, I'm hoping that I can participate in more of my boys' best hours, and give them more of mine.

August with bike

Leif in bicycle helmet

But.

All those buts, right? The thing I keep coming back to is that we really can't optimize our children's lives, and that in the long run it won't matter which preschool they went to. As long as they are in a supportive, positive, healthy environment at home and at school, and we try to model the behaviors we want to cultivate in them, it doesn't matter what educational philosophy we choose when they're three and five years old. Right? Will a different, marginally better preschool environment make a qualitative difference over the longevity of their lives?

Note 1: I'm brutally aware that this entire agonizing thought process would never happen in Sweden, where all childcare is subsidized by the government (tax revenue providing concrete benefits for the public good) and costs the same, no matter whether it's public or private or what educational philosophy it adheres to. This is one of the terrific stressors of American life that we've been dreading since deciding to return to the US and one of the reasons it's so crappy to be a parent here.

Note 2: I realize there's a big elephant in the room, which is the conversation about why I'm not staying home with all of them full time. Most of our mothers did it, right? So why don't I? Look, I love my children. I adore my children and feel so amazingly blessed that they are mine. But I am just not a woman who can stay at home full time, 24/7, with three kids. I applaud and admire the mothers and fathers who can, but I am not among their ranks. It is so obviously better for all of us if they have time away from me, and I have time away from them, for their development and my sanity. I don't feel guilty about this and I don't second guess that decision at all.

So, help me here. I'd LOVE to know your thought process on these kinds of decisions for your kids. Have you had to make hard decisions about childcare, work, finances, etc.? What were the major factors that led you to make the decision that you did?

Photos by me and James.

America may be crappy for parents, but Sweden isn't. It offers great parental leave and support for new families.

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Filed Under: Family, Motherhood, Thinking Tagged With: decisions, montessori, preschool, school

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Comments

  1. Catharina

    November 27, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    Hi Jodi
    I think daycarecenter for your children is a good alternative. Then you can still do your work you are ment to do and get paid as well. Children needs to get challenges outside from home to learn aboit life. I remember my time at daycarecenter it was a great time of my life. Helped me to get thru things that are difficult in the grown life. So for my recommendation is daycarecenter a good thing for
    children. They get good experience ⭐️

    Catharina

    Reply
    • Jodi

      November 27, 2017 at 9:42 pm

      Thanks for commenting, Catharina! I think you're right that daycare is a great opportunity for them - at a certain age they need socialization as much as they need to be around a parent. I also think it's so good for them to learn to trust another adult caregiver. We just wish it were as easy and affordable here in the US as it was in Sweden!

      Reply
  2. Dava

    November 27, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    I can definitely relate to this. We strongly considered putting Jonah into kindergarten a year early to avoid the expense of our Montessori-style preschool for one kid this year, but ultimately decided we'd just figure out how to pay for it (still figuring that out!) and we're glad we made that choice. We were wrestling with a similar too-many-changes-at-once situation after our move. The issue that I wrestle with now is about public school, since we moved here for largely financial reasons having to do with the public schools, and more and more I kind of wish that I could home school the kids (at least in the early years). I can't though - we afford to be on a single income and I'm probably not at all equipped to take that on anyway (probably for some of the reasons you aren't equipped to be a full-time SAHM). So I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself of what you've stated: that as long as they have a loving, supportive, enriching home environment and weekends in which we supplement their schooling with extra outdoor time and experiential/creative learning, they'll turn out OK. It doesn't mean that I don't worry, however.

    Reply
  3. Shelley

    November 27, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    My oldest was in 4 schools by age 5 and she is fine( that’s when I worked full time). That young and they don’t really remember, which is good. As hard and long as the days were I worked one day a week and had basically all 4 kids with me at home the other days. We played at home, went to library’s, parks, playgroups, and I am so glad I had those years with them. They grow too fast and I never regret having them home. I drank lots of wine to get through some days but the time flies so much I would say keep them with you and it will be fine. My youngest is 3 and I literally am so sad I am done with babies( but I’m done). But you do what’s best for you and your family! You are amazing and you and you kiddos will be fine no matter what you choose.

    Reply
    • Jodi

      November 27, 2017 at 9:41 pm

      Thanks for this, Shelley. It is SO good to hear about your experience. Now that things are becoming more manageable to be with the three kids at once (basically, now that Leif is calming down), I'm finding that I long to have more time with them. And I LOVE hearing about the wine! Amen to that. The days that James is traveling for work and I'm alone with them, I find that happy hour starts a little early. I appreciate you taking the time to comment and share your experience.

      Reply

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About Jodi

I just repatriated from Sweden to the US with my British husband and three young kids. I started this site while living in Sweden to build the conversations and community we've had with loved ones around the world, and to create a space to share thoughts about life, beauty, motherhood, and everything else. read more →

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